My recent trip

[LadyUnicornEJG]

To anyone that's interested...I recently wound up back in the hospital and then a crisis unit. The short version of the story is that I got put on a new medicine, very shortly after started having weird urges, losing control of my body, and even hearing things that I'm not sure were real.

Now for the long version...

More than two weeks ago (closer to three, really), I was prescribed a new medication to help with the nightmares I had been having. I didn't start taking it immediately because I was having some physical troubles (balance mostly). Around two weeks ago I started actually taking it, but it never did help with my nightmares.

A few days after I started taking the new medication, I was having more problems with nerves and panic attacks. I was taking my anti-anxiety medication more often than normal, but frequently it still wouldn't take care of the problem for me. Even though I wasn't particularly depressed (sometimes was even in high spirits) I would look at toxic items and for a split second want to ingest them.

Those split second urges can be scary, but I'm so used to wanting to harm myself (at least on some level) that they wouldn't have actually scared me. After all, I wasn't really wanting to hurt or kill myself at the time so I wouldn't do it, right? Well another thing was going on at the same time. I was losing control of my body...mostly small things. I would intend to walk one direction and walk another, or I would have trouble getting my body to do what I wanted (get up, get an item, etc.). Once or twice I even did things without any conscious effort to do them.

Now if this wasn't enough, I'd had some other problems. Blurred vision a time or two and more time that I was kind of "spacing out" than I usually would. Those two cleared up, but others got worse if anything...dizziness, loss of balance, and what I just classified as my mind playing tricks on me (but I'm pretty sure the medical staff would class as this little thing called "hallucinations").

So anyone want to know what I was "hallucinating"? Distant sirens a couple times, seeing people or animals (in piles of items), hearing human footsteps when everyone was gone, oh and in the ER for a minute I thought their light had a TV screen on it. Yeah, anyone who's never had that kind of problem go right ahead and laugh it up.

While I'm at it, wanna know some of the strange impulses? Well really only a couple that are strange rather than flat out suicidal: I wanted to get up and run out of the ER (they didn't bother putting a band on me anyway), and I wanted to grab the movable light (whatever it's really called) and hang from it like a monkey. Again, laugh it up - I don't really care.

Well, back to the story itself. Every step of the way, I tried talking to my mom about it...I'm not sure if she didn't grasp it or if she was just too wrapped up in her own problems, but she didn't even encourage me to get help. What's done is done though...

She left Friday with my two sisters to visit my aunt and cousins in Florida. Mind you, I'm still not alone at home...but I no longer had little children to hide the insanity from or my mom to tell and then wonder if maybe I'm just overreacting when she didn't seem phased by it.

So then Saturday night I got really dizzy and tired and such. I hadn't realized what happened, but I would up taking my sleeping pill with something else...that probably caused it. Anyway, I was in the kitchen doing something and I felt like I was going to fall so I leaned against the refrigerator to stay upright. It didn't work - I slid down and somehow went from that to being worked into another panic attack over everything. I wanted to go to the hospital, but I just wasn't sure if it was what I needed to do or not. Ultimately I couldn't find any crisis numbers I *could* call (aside from suicide lines), so I called my girl who looked up the number to the hospital for me. On her advice, at least two or three other friends' advice, AND the advice of whoever ultimately answered the call at the hospital, I got someone up and got a ride there.

Then there was a bunch of waiting and answering questions and repeating symptoms and them doing tests and me talking to the monitor about "yes I know when I stop breathing for a few seconds my oxygen goes down" (when it started beeping). Also, the desire to run and hang from the light... Anyway, I answered everyone honestly. Even was honest to the woman evaluating me (to the point of telling her about the light - both wanting to hang from it and thinking I saw a screen in it). The doctor ordered an anti-psychotic at some point while I was there. I did NOT want to be locked up anywhere, and I was honest about that with them too, but I also wasn't going to fight it. The woman called the person in charge of the crisis center and got them to OK my having my stuffed animal with me so I willingly stayed there again.

After someone from the crisis center picked me up and took me there, I had to be given some supplies to shower, something to wear to sleep in and so I could do laundry the next morning (all I had were the clothes on my back, my stuffed animal, and my purse which I'd carried my meds to the ER in). I slept until around 4pm, without my sleeping pill or the stupid anti-nightmare med.

The next day (technically the same one, but after I woke up), I didn't really eat much I just sat around talking to people a little. Everyone could tell I was in a good mood not depressed or anything and I didn't have any more trouble - none all day. In the late evening I lost my balance a little bit one time trying to carry a full pitcher of kool-aid, but just for one step and then I was fine again. I went to sleep pretty early because they gave me my sleeping pill but I refused the one for nightmares.

Next morning I woke up at 6 AM on my own! Definitely not something I normally do. I spent the morning sitting with people talking to the guy I'd met the day before and a new girl who came in that morning. They were nice enough, though they shared some similar experiences that I was fortunate enough not to ever get to. I talk to the staff there about leaving and explained I'd been having no trouble at all and felt I could take care of myself again. They were hesitant at first, but had no problem with it when they learned I had been without this new medication for a couple days and thought it might be part of the problem. I was, however, informed that my case with them had been reopened because of the visit - in other words it had been completely closed...but that's more of a private discussion for me to have with a particular person.

And now I'm home to live happily ever after the end (YEAH RIGHT!).

[HeavensRose]

This all really sucks that you had to go through this... I'm glad your ok now! ^.^

[LadyUnicornEJG]

Thanks! And yeah, it did suck... but I got to meet a few people and hear some stories of others' lives. I also got to actually socialize - you know, in person. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to everyone here and all the other places I talk to people online...but none of us are meant to live our lives alone, hidden from the world (aside from family).

I'm glad it's over though (at least I think it is, and hope so). Seems like every day things clear up just a little bit more for me. Not things like symptoms but just my mind - things are making more sense to me again. I guess maybe it messed with my head more than I realized? I dunno. I do know that I find it hard to believe my mom was EVER any kind of medical "professional" after this.